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Text Humor

Free samples from "You've Got Laughs!"

Every link here is something that made me laugh and I bet you can't get through more than a few without laughing too!

Please note this will open just the joke in this window, with a back button at the top! Use control+click to open in a new tab in most browsers!

I estimate that I've thrown out 99% of all the humor pieces I've read over the years, so the material below has gone through quite a winnowing process! Click a few and see.

The first section is the latest stuff. Below that, I list in older ones in alphabetical order.

 The Stuff

Music Terms and Definitions
Actual Military Wisdom
Logo Trivia Perhaps more interesting than hilarious, but I bet you'll notice things you never have before!
Men versus Women
Failed Pickup Lines
Carlos Says, a collection of sayings by Carlos Escobar, fellow programmer at Sierra Online, and one really funny guy
Actual (?) Headlines
Golf Wisdom
Actual(?) Sports Quotes
A Guide to Guitar Criticism
Why I Love Retirement
How to Simulate Being in the Navy

Still new if you haven't seen 'em!

listed in alphabetical order

21st Century Definitions
A Comparison Of Early 21st Century Religious Theory
A Comprehensive Guide to Dogs
A Daughter's Letter Home
A Report on Sexual Behavior
Actual (?) British Renters' Complaints
Actual (?) Bumper Stickers
Actual (?) Commentator Quotes
Actual (?) Country Music Song Titles
Actual (?) Courtroom Testimony
Actual (?) International Signs
Actual (?) Questions About Canada
Actual (?) Restroom Graffiti
Actual (?) Travel Agent Stories
Actual (?) Tube Announcements made by London Subway train drivers.
Actual Quotes about Government
Actual Quotes about Music
Actual Quotes from Hollywood Squares, now with even more responses!
Actual(?) Business Signs
Actual(?) Doctors’ Notes
Actual(?) Landlord Messages
Actual(?) Police Arrest Remarks
After a season filled with hurricanes, you'll laugh at The Night Before Hurricane.
Analogies You Won’t Find In Great Literature
And God Created Sidemen
Antique Words are ones that were once popular but now out of favor. Remember "fender skirts?"
Are You Average?
Are You Middle-Aged?
Back in the 80's You punks today don't know how easy you've got it!
Bad Inspirational Office Posters
Because I'm a Man… I think this is funny.
Bedroom Golf
Bread Kills!
Breasticons
Burma Shave Signs were a part of driving in the Midwest when I grew up. Look back in time at a kinder, gentler age of advertising.
Buzz Word Translator: Your guide to advertising terminology.
Cards That Hallmark Will Never Make
Careers in Jazz by Bill Anschell
Child After Child illustrates the well-known quirk of parenting where your first child is treated differently from later children.
Clever Anagrams
Computer Haiku
Conan O'Brien's Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000
Cool Things About Being A Guy
Creative Answering Machine Messages
Cubonics -- Slang from Cubicle Land
Cyber Break-Up Letter
Daily Canine Routine
Dating Around the World is a guide to help men find the perfect woman!
Dating My Daughter
Dear Band Leader Funny if you've ever worked a wedding gig. Oh, what the hell: it made me laugh!
Dear Diary tells the tale of how Viagra changes mature marriages.
Dog Haiku
Dog Philosophy
Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle
Driving in St. Louis is not just for locals or natives.
English is Hard!
Euphemisms for Corporate Layoffs
Euphemisms for That “Time of the Month”
Ever wonder what your partner really means? Memorize this Bedroom Translator.
Every few weeks, men become a Hormone Hostage.
Every man should take this Male Sensitivity Test.
Everything I Know about Computers I Learned in the Movies
Fake Warning Labels
Famous Last Words
Famous Quotations about Government
Famous Quotations about Grandparents
Football Wisdom Serious advice from experts in the field.
From The Book Of Jobbers (jazz musicians only)
Fun Things for Teachers to Do on the First Day of Class
Fun With UNIX Actual responses from the c shell.
Funny Book Titles
Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: An Actual 1943 Transit Company Guide to Hiring Women During World War II.
God versus Satan: Food
Golf -- An True Sport
Golf Locker Room Sign
Golf Quotations
Golf Terms
Good — Bad — Worse
Grandparents Quotations
Groucho Marx One-Liners: great lines from America's great master
Growing Up In A Small Town
Halloween Safety Advice
Hamster Surprise
He Said, She Said
Hebonics You've heard of Eubonics; here's the Jewish version.
Hollywood Explained via Light Bulb Jokes
How Jazz Works
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
How The Internet Is Like A Vagina
How the Software Industry Works
How to Amuse Yourself on Halloween
How To Drive Your Roommate Crazy
How To Get Rid Of A Blind Date
How to Get Rid of Telemarketers
How to Keep your Mental Health
How to Play the Saxophone
How To Sing The Blues
Hu's On First?
I Owe My Parents!
If Airlines Sold Paint
If Men Truly Ruled the World
If World War II Was an RTS
I'm a SysAdmin (to be sung to the Monty Python song "I'm a Lumberjack!")
Insulting Musicians
Jazz Haiku (Caution: only for the terminally hip!)
Jazz Math (for giggers only)
Jewish Buddhism If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Job Interview Questions, Answers, and Real Answers
Letter to Management (signed, "The Penis")
Lines Men Think the Perfect Wife Would Say
Little Golden Books That Failed
Love, Lust and Marriage
Male Date Drug Warning
Mangled Phrases What a difference one letter makes in a foreign phrase.
Men in the Men’s Room
Microsoft Haiku
Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device
Military Wisdom is no oxymoron. Here's good advice with good humor!
Music Biz Definitions
Nerd Aptitude Test
Nerd Pickup Lines
New Billing Time Codes
New technological device: B.O.O.K.™
New Units of Measurement
Not Quite Sometimes even experts are wrong about new inventions.
Numbers of the Beast celebrates June 6, 2006 (6/6/06) with wonderful puns and juxtapositions.
Office Dares are great for the next time you're really bored at work.
Olympic Quotations
Paul Desmond was one of my favorite alto saxophone players. Who knew he was also funny as hell?
Political Science 101 The wisdom of the world explained via the phrase, "You have two cows...."
Pregnancy Q & A
Preparing for Parenthood
Programmer Humor (Caution: only for the terminally geek!)
Programmer's Excuse Subroutine Feel free to insert in your code!
Quotations by Musicians on Music
Quotes about Marriage by famous people
Random Thoughts
Redneck Computer Terms
Redneck Haiku What more need be said?
Redneck Pickup Lines
Redneck University Engineering Department Final Exam
Rejected Titles for Bill Clinton's Book
Remember Abbott & Costello's routine about "Who's on First?" Here's a new version about computers.
Remember When? (Not so much humor as a stroll down baby boomers' memory lane!)
Report on Sexual Behavior
Richard Lederet of St. Paul's School created a short history of the world According to Student Bloopers.
Romantic Or Not?
Rules Of The Air
Second Thoughts About Cybersex
Silicon Pines
Ski Season Warm-Up
Slogans of the T.S.A.
So You Want To Have Children? Guaranteed to make any parent laugh.
Sometimes good advice is just so obvious. Then again...
Southern Speech
Sport Quotations
Star Wars Lines Improved by the word 'Pants'
Star Wars Lines That Could Be From Porn
Star Wars or Frat House?
Start with a a romantic first line and add an un-romantic second line and you get these Valentine Rhymes
Stock Market Terms
Techniques of Driving
Texan’s Guide to Life
Texting for Seniors
The Art of the Fart
The Bar Translator
The Children's Bill of Rights is for any parent with a teenage child or who has ever had a teenage child.
The Chili Judge is one of Bruce Cameron's funniest columns.
The Christmas Party Memos
The Class Of 2005
The Class of 2007 Today's college freshmen are different...
The Corporate Zodiac
The Cowboy's Guide to Life

The Economy Is So Bad…

The Evolution of a Software Engineer Or, How Code Bloats!
The Female Argument Dictionary. Not funny to women. Actually, not funny to men, either! But true.
The Humor of Will Rogers
The Ideal Sideman
The Jazz Jam Session Primer: a First-Timer's Guide. A little long, but the ending is well worth the journey.
The Land of Sandra Dee is a poetic tribute to the 50's.
The Laws of Golf
The Life Of A Computer Analyst
The Most Powerful Word in the English Language?
The Nerd Aptitude Test (Another geek special!)
The Parachute Paradigm
The Real Man Quiz
The Rules of Golf reveals the real rules, not the rule book but the ones that always seem to apply when you mess up a shot!
The Rules of Writing
The sad Diary of a Smart Home's Owner, not a smart homeowner!
The Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual
The Wisdom of Mark Twain
The World's Best Resignation Letter? You be the judge. It's definitely way up there!
Then and Now
Things I Learned At The Movies
Things Not to Say When Your Man is Naked
Things Not to Say While Making Love
Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk
Things That Sound Dirty …Unless You’re In The Office; or, …Unless You’re In A Law Office; or, …Unless You’re Playing Golf
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't
Things That Will Never Happen on Star Trek
Things To Do at Walmart When You're Bored
Things To Do In An Elevator
Things To Do While Ordering Pizza
Things to Ponder when you have absolutely no other thoughts in your brain!
Things You Can Say About Your Computer Games But Not About Your Spouse
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
Things You Just Don't Hear Anymore
Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age
Things You Shouldn't Say During Sex
Things You Won't Hear On The Band Bus
Things You'd Love To Say At Work
Things You'll Never Hear from a Southerner
Thinkers Anonymous
Thoughts on Sex list quotations by famous (and some not so famous) persons
Tool Humor Definitions of tools that you've never seen but are oh, so true!
TV's 100 Greatest Quotes & Catch Phrases
Twelve Days of Christmas
Understanding Golf
Use a Bone — Go to jail!
Useless Facts
Want a quick little brain teaser? Try Lateral Thinking.
Want to learn the Laws of the Natural Universe?
What Doctors Say versus What Doctors Mean
What Is It?
What Men Say versus What Men Mean
What Sex Are They? Ever wonder about the gender of common everyday objects?
What's the Difference? (WARNING: dirtier than most stuff here, but mainly by inference)
When Insults Had Class
When Riding A Dead Horse, sometimes the best alternative is just to dismount. But then again...
Which is better? Beer or Vagina?
Who Reads What? explains the differences between newspaper readers.
Who Was Jesus?
Why Beer is Better than Women
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
Why Computer Games Are Better Than Life
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Why Golf is Better Than Sex
Why Hanukkah Is Better Than Christmas
Why Italian Women Need Therapy
Why Men Have Two Dogs Instead of Two Wives
Why Soldiers Should Be Over 50
Why The Internet Is Like A Penis
Wise Sayings by the dozens.
Word Scrambles proves that some people have too much time (or are really good at Scrabble!).
Words Are Odd Interesting word play.
World's Easiest Quiz Or is it?
World's Shortest Books
World's Worst Interviewees
You May Be A Blueneck if... (the South strikes back!)
You May Be A Boomer if...
You May Be A High-Tech Redneck if…
You May Be A Middle School Teacher If…
You May Be A Redneck if…
You May Be A Redneck Jedi if…
You May Be A Taliban If... Who says religious radicals aren't funny?
You May Be A Yankee if…
You May Be Addicted to Coffee if…
You May Be An Alien if…
You May Be an Elementary School Teacher if…
You May Be An Engineer if…
You May Be An Internet Addict if…
You May Be Drinking Too Much Coffee if...
You May Be From a Small Town if…
You May Be from Boston if…
You May Be from California if...
You May Be from Canada if...
You May Be From Cincinnati if
You May Be From Florida if...
You May Be From Fresno if…
You May Be From Georgia if…
You May Be From Idaho if…
You May Be From Maryland If...
You May Be From Michigan if…
You May Be From Minnesota if...
You May Be From Missouri if...
You May Be From Montana if…
You May Be From New York City if…
You May Be From Silicon Valley if…
You May Be From The 21st Century if…
You May Be From The Pacific Northwest if…
You May Be From The South if…
You May Be From Wisconsin If...
You May Be From Wyoming if…
You May Be Gay if…
You May Be in the Midwest if...
You May Be Italian If…
You May Be on a Bad First Date if…
You May Be Out Of Your 20’s if…
You May Be Over The Hill if…
You May Be Too Old To Gig if...
You May Be Working Today if…
You May Have A Redneck For Your Starship Captain if...
You May Have Had Too Much Christmas Cheer if…
You May Need A New Lawyer if... yours does anything like this.
You May Need A Vacation if...
You May Need to Buy a New Car if…
You May Work for the Government if…
Zen Judaism Sometimes it's good to mix religions.
Zen Sarcasm
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