How Jazz Works
By Bill Anschell
Copyright 2001, Bill Anschell
Cast of Characters
Saxophone
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.
Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know
all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a
mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos,
which reach a peak halfway through and then just don't stop.
They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying
to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments,
forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist
during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger.
They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are
very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on
their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare
them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether
they're black or white. Arrive at the session early and you
may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are:
play as loud and as high as often as possible. The winner is
he who plays the loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet
player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player
is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud/high trumpeting.
Trombone
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality.
"Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range,
"Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists
like to play fast, because their notes then become indistinguishable
and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet
in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk
around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate
trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite their
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn
faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because
nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during
a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance,
or offer to mow your lawn.
Piano
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,
harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt.
They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often
don't. As adolescents, they were social rejects. They go home
after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special
love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano
player during a break, he will condescend.
Bass
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms
with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing.
During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings
hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with
paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If
you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able
to tell whether or not he's listening.
Drums
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always
extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world,
or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy
because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from
the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly
successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly
excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to
talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to
sneak up on him.
Guitar
Jazz guitarists are never happy. Once they wanted to be rock
stars, but now they're old and overweight. In protest, they
wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play
too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit
ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing
as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher
he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and
the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the
saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the
most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks
his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist
struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during
the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old
sister.
Vocals
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods.
They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for
suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously.
Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical
theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes
her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born!
Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime,"
and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks
on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the
bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the
full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce
you-and the rest of the audience-by making eye contact, acknowledging
your presence, even talking to you between tunes. Do not fall
into this trap! Look away; make your distaste obvious. Otherwise
the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally,
if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce
you to her "manager."
Picking the Tune
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick the next one. It's
a fundamental concept that unfortunately runs at odds with jazz
group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the
musicians. They love to show off on tunes that they know and
tremble at the threat of tunes unknown. But to pick a tune is
to invite close scrutiny: "So this is how you sound at
your best? Hmm." It's a complex issue with unpredictable
outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune; sometimes everyone
wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building
and, under extreme conditions, even impromptu elections. The
politics of tune selection makes for great entertainment.
Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune
(Previous tune ends.)
(Silence.)
Trumpet player: "What the f#@k? Is someone gonna to pick
a tune?"
(Silence.)
Trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outta here."
(Storms out of room, forgetting to pay tab.)
Rest of band (in unison): "Yea!!"
(Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's
tab).
Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune
(Previous tune ends.)
(Pianist and guitarist simultaneously): "Beautiful Love!"
"Donna Lee!"
Guitarist to pianist: "You just want to play your fat,
stupid, ten-note chords!"
Pianist to guitarist: "You just want to play a lot of notes
really fast!"
Saxophonist: "'Giant Steps!'" (a treacherous Coltrane
tune practiced obsessively by saxophonists)
Guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole."
Trumpet player: "This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'."
(a Dizzy tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high
playing.)
Saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard."
(Long, awkward silence.)
Pianist, guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to
drummer: "Your turn, Skinhead."
(Drummer pauses to think of hardest tune possible, a time-tested
drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.)
Drummer: "Stablemates."
Trumpet player: "F#@k this! I'm outta here." (Storms
out of room. Bartender chases after him.)
("Stablemates")
Trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"
Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions
that will last all through the night.
As an educated audience member, you might want to
keep a flow chart diagramming the shifting alliances.
You can also keep statistics on individual tune-calling.
Under no circumstances, though, should you take sides
or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough
already.
How Jazz Combos Work
The jazz combo is a small group of musicians that gets together to play tunes and work on their improvisational skills (unless you are a bass player). Since they can't find regular gigs that play they end up performing at local restaurants or coffee shops for little or no pay. These turn into tune learning sessions until they start sending subs or cancelling all together.
Every song starts with a melody, followed by horn solos, rhythm section solos (except for the bass player), a drum solo or trading fours between drums and horns, followed by the melody again and no semblance of an organized ending. Repeat often, insert an occasional ballad, repeat.
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