Back to Al's Text Humor Page

You May Be a Yankee if...

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside"

You think Heinz Ketchup is really spicy!

You don't have a problem pronouncing "Worcestershire Sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You've never, ever, eaten okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same school.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up and get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

You've never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think that more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to the salary of the head football coach.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don't have a single hat in your closet that advertises a feed store.

The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

You call binoculars "opera glasses."

You can't spit out the car window without first pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.

You don't know what appliqué is.

You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Ellen Faye, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Twyla Jean, Joe Don, Mary Alice, Roger Dale, et al)

You know what "et al" means.

You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.

You've never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the street talk to you.

You can't do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats is homemade.