Things To Do While Ordering Pizza
1.
If
using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
Tell the order-taker, "Stop doing that!"
2.
Make
up a credit card company. Ask if they accept it.
3.
Use
CB lingo whenever possible.
4.
Order
a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5.
Terminate
the call with, "And remember: we never had this conversation!"
6.
Tell
the order-taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you're going to go with the lowest bidder.
7.
Give
them your address and then exclaim, "Oh, just surprise
me!" and hang up.
8.
Answer
every one of their questions with a question.
9.
In
your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10.
Use
these words for bonus points: "robust, free-spirited,
cost-efficient, Ukrainian, puce."
11.
Tell
them you want the crust on top this time.
12.
Sing
the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets CD."
13.
Refuse
to name your toppings. Instead, spell them out.
14.
Put
an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15.
Stutter
on the letter "p."
16.
Ask
for products only available from their competitor. (e.g.,
If phoning Domino's, ask for a "Cheeser! Cheeser!")
17.
Ask
what the order-taker is wearing.
18.
Crack
your knuckles into the receiver.
19.
Say
hello, act stunned for five seconds, and then act as if they
called you.
20.
Rattle
off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
want drinks, panic and act disoriented.
21.
Tell
the order taker you're depressed. Ask him to cheer you up.
22.
Make
a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23.
Change
your accent every sentence.
24.
Order
"52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows from an equation I will dictate to you." Ask
if they have paper and pencil.
25.
Act
like you know the order-taker from somewhere. "Was it
bedwetters' camp?"
26.
Start
your order with "I'd like. . .". Pause, slap yourself,
and then say, "No, I don't."
27.
After
they repeat your order, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99;
please pull up to the second window."
28.
Ask
if you can "Rent a pizza?"
29.
Order
while using an electric knife sharpener.
30.
Ask
if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave
a sigh of relief.
31.
Put
the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."
Use the long "i" sound.
32.
Order
your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33.
Say,
"Are you sure this is [Pizza Place]? When they say yes,
say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to
do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact,
[Pizza Place], cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like
to be lied to?"
34.
As
you speak, move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from
your lips.
35.
When
the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
"GOODBYE!!" at the top of your lungs.
36.
Tell
them you want them to double-check that your pizza is, in
fact, dead.
37.
Imitate
the order-taker's voice.
38.
Eliminate
verbs from your speech.
39.
When
they say, "What would you like?"—say, "Huh?
Oh, you mean now."
40.
Play
a sitar in the background.
41.
Say
it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive
so you can surprise her.
42.
Amuse
the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
43.
Ask
to see a menu.
44.
Quote
Carl Sandberg.
45.
Say
you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
back.
46.
Ask
"Do you have any idea what is at stake with this pizza?"
47.
Ask
"What topping goes best with a well-aged Chardonnay?"
48.
Belch
directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should
be ashamed of itself.
49.
Order
one slice instead of a whole pizza.
50.
Shout,
"I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"
51.
Doze
off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say,
"Where was I? Who is this?"
52.
Psychoanalyze
the order taker.
53.
Ask
their phone number. Hang up, call them again, and ask again.
54.
Order
two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
55.
Learn
to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
56.
Call
to complain about service. Later, call back to say you were
drunk and didn't mean it.
57.
Tell
the order-taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
that he's fired.
58.
Report
a petty theft to the order-taker.
59.
Use
expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph
and Mary in Tinsel Town."
60.
Ask
for the guy who took your order last time.
61.
If
the order-taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I
shall not be swayed by your sweet, sweet words."
62.
Wonder
aloud if you should trim your nose hairs.
63.
Talk
while drinking a glass of water.
64.
Start
the conversation with "'My Call to [Pizza Place],' Take
1, and. . . action!"
65.
Ask
if the pizza was organically grown.
66.
Ask
about pizza maintenance and repair.
67.
Be
vague in your order.
68.
Ask
if you can get your pizza with a service contract.
69.
When
they repeat your order, say, "Once more, and this time
how about a little more OOMPH?!"
70.
Every
few seconds throughout the order, press 9-1-1 on your touchtone
phone.
71.
After
ordering, say, "I wonder what this button on
the phone does." Hang up while screaming.
72.
Simulate
a cutoff. Just before they hang up, resume talking as if
nothing happened.
73.
Start
the conversation with today's date, followed by, "This
may be my last entry."
74.
State
your order and then say, "That's as far as our relationship
is going to get!"
75.
Ask
if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza."
Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this
be done to your pizza.
76.
Say,
"Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.
Ask if they felt that.
77.
Detect
the order-taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
78.
When
listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include another
pizza.
79.
Play
a blues riff on your harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals
to play it.
80.
Sing
your order like a blues singer. Extra credit for blues harmonica
fills.
81.
Ask
if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even
trade.
82.
Impersonate
a celebrity. Stress that you won't take any crap from some
two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
83.
Put
them on hold.
84.
Teach
the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.
85.
Mumble,
"There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to
repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat.'"
86.
Make
the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before
they can respond.
87.
When
the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You
just don't get it, do you?"
88.
When
you're given the price, say, "Oooooooh, that sounds
complicated. I hate math."
89.
Haggle.
90.
Order
a one-inch pizza.
91.
Order
term life insurance.
92.
When
they say, "Will that be all?", snicker and say,
"We'll find out, won't we?"
93.
Ask
if any dolphins died to make your pizza.
94.
While
on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.
95.
Avoid
saying the word "pizza" at all costs. If the order-taker
says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
96.
Cue
up a movie good car chase scene. Play it loudly in the background.
Yell "OW!" whenever a bullet is fired.
97.
If
they suggests a side order, ask, "Why are you punishing
me?"
98.
Verify
that your pizza has had its shots.
99.
Order
your pizza steamed.
100.
Get
order-taker's name. Then, every hour exactly on the hour,
call him back and say, "This is your wake-up call, [name]"
and then hang up.
101.
Ask
if you can pay for your pizza with a public flogging.
102.
If
any of the above suggestions are rejected by your order-taker,
say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."