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What Men Say |
What Men Mean |
I’m going fishing. |
I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety. |
Let’s take your car. |
Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas. |
Woman driver. |
Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me. |
I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen. |
As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or ny other color besides white. |
It’s a guy thing. |
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. |
Can I help with dinner? |
Why isn’t it already on the table? |
Uh huh Sure, honey Yes, dear. |
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling. |
Good idea. |
It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating. |
Have you lost weight? |
I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill. |
My wife doesn’t understand me. |
She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them. |
It would take too long to explain. |
I have no idea how it works. |
I’m getting more exercise lately. |
The batteries in the remote are dead. |
I got a lot done. |
I found Waldo in almost every picture. |
We’re going to be late. |
Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac. |
Hey, I’ve read all the classics. |
I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972. |
You cook just like my mother used to. |
She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too. |
I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind. |
I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra. |
Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard. |
I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. |
That’s interesting, dear. |
Are you still talking? |
Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love. |
I forgot our anniversary again. |
You expect too much of me. |
You want me to stay awake. |
It’s a really good movie. |
It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear. |
That’s women’s work. |
It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless. |
Go ask your mother. |
I am incapable of making a decision. |
You know how bad my memory is. |
I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. |
I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses. |
The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe. |
Football is a man’s game. |
Women are generally too smart to play it. |
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal. |
I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt. |
I do help around the house. |
I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket. |
Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing. |
And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon. |
I can’t find it. |
It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless. |
What did I do this time? |
What did you catch me at? |
What do you mean, you need new clothes? |
You just bought new clothes 3 years ago. |
She’s one of those rabid feminists. |
She refused to make my coffee. |
But I hate to go shopping. |
…because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse. |
No, I left plenty of gas in the car. |
You may actually get it to start. |
I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. |
I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions. |
I heard you. |
I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me. |
You know I could never love anyone else. |
I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse. |
You look terrific. |
Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving. |
I brought you a present. |
It was free ice scraper night at the ball game. |
I missed you. |
I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper. |
I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are. |
No one will ever see us alive again. |
We share the housework. |
I make the messe, she cleans them up. |
This relationship is getting too serious. |
I like you more than my truck. |
I recycle. |
We could pay the rent with the money from my empties. |
Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. |
Oh, man, what have you done to yourself? |
It sure snowed last night. |
I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now. |
It’s good beer. |
It was on sale. |
I don’t need to read the instructions. |
I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. |
I’ll fix the garbage disposal later. |
If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one. |
I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant. |
Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window. |
I broke up with her. |
She dumped me. |
Will you marry me? |
Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter. |