Twelve Days of Christmas
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been
more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
turtledoves. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I
dont deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are
just darling but I must insist.... youre just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They
are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get
on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on
my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE
STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20th
John:
Whats with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of joke is this? Theres bird crap all over the house
and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I
cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY. So stop with
the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds
and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows.
There is cow poop all over the lawn and I cant move in my
own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!
Ag
December 22nd
Hey Butthead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers
piping. And man do they pipe. They havent stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder
they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started
a petition to evict me.
Youll get yours,
Ag
December 23rd
You Rotten Dick:
Now theres ten ladies dancing - I dont know why I call
those women ladies. Theyve been with those nine pipers all
night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner
of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldnt be condemned. Im sicing the police
on you. They know where you are.
One who means it,
Ag
December 24th
Listen, Doormat:
Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never
walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows.
All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death
in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th
From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister
at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to
shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant
for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law
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