The Christmas Party Memos
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
TO: Everyone
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
Full open bar, and plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize the Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies
to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't
sign your name. I'm hapy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - the days are so short this time of year - or
else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by
our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks. Okay????
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by the idea
of having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we PLEASE lighten
up a little?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resouces Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? For chrissakes, I've just about had it
with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecuem whether you like it or not!
You may sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill
of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
damn salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too...they scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and
Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy now?
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