How To Keep
Your Mental Health
Sit
in your parked car wearing your sunglasses and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page
yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every
time someone asks you to do something, ask, "Do you
want fries with that?"
Put
your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
Put
decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone
is over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
In
the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual
favors."
End
all your sentences with, "in accordance with prophecy."
dont
use any punctuation
As
often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask
people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify
that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing
along at the opera.
Go
to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put
mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds
all day.
Five
days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
Make
co-workers call you by your wrestling name: "Rock Hard."
When
your money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"
When
leaving the zoo, start running towards the lot, yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
Tell
your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."