...And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke
Noah, and spoke to him. "Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore, afraid and disoriented,
did cry out, "Who goeth there?" And the Lord did
smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of
all things, dummy!" And Noah did tremble, saying, Lord,
why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a
Casual Band. "For the earth will be visited by a plague
of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty
nights of Awards Banquets."
And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord did say, "First, thou must
find me a Leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not
be thy Leader?"
And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool,
thou will be my Contractor.
Ask not why!"
And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes,
my Lord. And what will this leader play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little,
whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not.
For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and
their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off
Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will
happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued.
If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another
player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe."
And Noah did say, "And what else shall this
Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job
to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen,
and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments.
"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a
Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization
Curves therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying,
"Lord, thy ways are Strange and mysterious. What more
shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm
Section. First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above
all must this Drummer possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three
Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?"
And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess
me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly
imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he
shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place,
sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess
which. And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always
hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with
Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. And
third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness,
in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so
that he argueth always with the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord.
And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art
learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall
be Bored. That is all."
And Noah did say, "Of course. And next,
my Lord?" "Next shall be the Piano Player. And
he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply
Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord,
and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always
be late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which
he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great
is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player.
And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud,
and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also shall he
know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which
have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels.
For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows,
and will be making the Big Shekels. And his tux shall be
the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done."
And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need
Horns. First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers.
And they shall play their Bird quotes in every song, yea,
even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every
break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially
when 'In The Mood' is called.
Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall
every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail
frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.
And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And
many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper,
as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut
from the Band. And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty
is the Lord!"
"Next shall be the String Players. Find
me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that
are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments
screecheth and causeth great pain. And their job shall be
to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads,
and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume,
and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."
And Noah did say, "What else can be left,
Lord?" And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me
the Singers. And they shall be Three: one a Male, and two
Females. And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with
the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The
Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. And of the
Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the
Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco.
And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and
the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley,
and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words,
and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall
leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece
of Equipment. And they shall be paid many more shekels than
the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, "As
Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord did command him, "Search high
and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these
requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment
must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking
for Subs."
And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.