Actual Tube Announcements
Actual announcements made
by London Tube (subway) train drivers
to their passengers and collected by Annie Mole.
For more actual announcements visit her site: London
Underground Guide.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to
your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case
you'll want to cross over to the Westbound tracks and head in
the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome; that is, not knowing
his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information
as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means
we probably won't reach our destination anytime soon."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but
there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds
off it and pass some time together. All together now: Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall....'"
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can
see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do not
encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare
change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that,
give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way
for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels will
not be provided."
"Let the passengers off the train first!"
(pause) "Oh, go on then. Stuff yourselves in like sardines.
See if I care! I'm going home!"
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their #$*(@!%
hand stuck in the door!"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage: What part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors. (pause) Please
move all belongings away from the doors. (pause) This
is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses
at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move
your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come back
there and shove them up your arse... sideways!"
|