I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and working
dont mix, but I just couldnt stop myself. I began to avoid
friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return
to the office dizzied and confused, asking, What is it exactly we
do here? I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the
boss called me in. He said, Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me
to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you dont
stop thinking on the job, well have to find someone else.
This gave me a lot to think about.
And at home things werent going so great either. One
evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent the night at her mothers. I came home early after my conversation
with the boss. Lamb chop, I confessed, Ive been
thinking... I know youve been thinking, she said,
and I want a divorce. But Poopsie, surely its
not that serious. It is serious, she said, lower lip
aquiver. You think as much as a college professor, and everyone
knows college professors dont make any money, so if you keep up
this thinking then we wont have any money! Thats
a faulty syllogism, I said impatiently as she began to cry. Id
had enough. Im going to the library! I snarled, as I
stomped out the door.
I drove to the library, PBS blaring on the radio, in the
mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the
big glass doors...and they didnt open. The library closed?! To this
day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground scrabbling at the unfeeling glass, whimpering
for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?
it asked.
You probably recognize that line from the standard Thinkers
Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was Porkys III. Then we share experiences
about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
Now I have a job and things are a lot better at home.
Life was just...easier, somehow, once I stopped thinking.