Outside a farm

Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10.
Or, do-it-yourself, $1.

In a laundry, on each washing machine

Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

On a church door

This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.  (This door locked because of draft; use side door.)

Outside a photographer’s studio

Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Outside a disco

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

In a cleaner’s window

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a health food shop

Closed due to illness.

In a safari park

Elephants please stay in your car

In a hotel during a conference

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.

In a farmer’s field

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

On a repair shop door

We can repair anything.
(Please knock hard—bell out of order.)

In an office building washroom

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

On a plumber's truck

We repair what your husband fixed.

On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania

Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a pizza shop

7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee

Invite us to your next blowout.

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office

Hello. May we pick your nose?

At a towing company

We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On an electrician’s truck

Let us remove your shorts.

In a non-smoking area

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a maternity room door

Push. Push. Push.

At an optometrist’s office

If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a taxidermist’s window

We really know our stuff.

In a podiatrist’s office

Time wounds all heels.

On a fence

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership

The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop

No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

In a veterinarian’s waiting room

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In a restaurant window

Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a funeral home

Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card

If you cannot read this card...

In London department store

Bargain basement upstairs.

In a London office

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In a Zurich hotel

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

From a Japanese information book-let about a hotel air conditioner

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself.

In a Leipzig elevator

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

At a Paris dress shop

Dresses for street walking.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners

Drop your trousers here for best results.

On a Majorcan shop entrance

English well talking.

On a Majorcan shop entrance

Here speeching American.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Tokyo Hotel

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bangkok temple

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rome laundry

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In a Rhodes tailor shop

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Tokyo shop

Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Budapest zoo

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a Paris hotel elevator

Please leave your values at the front desk.

On the menu of a Polish hotel

Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Tokyo bar

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Swiss mountain inn

Special today -- no ice cream.

In the office of a Roman doctor

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Yugoslavian hotel

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In an Acapulco hotel

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From the Soviet Weekly

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator

To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

WE take your bags and send them in all directions.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Japanese hotel

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.