88 Creative Answering Machine Messages
1.
Hi.
Now you say something.
2.
Hi,
I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
3.
You
know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need
to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's
why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge
to you, dearest caller, that you will never have to suffer
through another long answering machine message when you call
me...
4.
[In a drawling granny voice] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to
call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people,
dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
5.
You
have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage
sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave
a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded.
If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not
work.
6.
Hello.
I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
7.
Hi,
this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.
8.
Hi!
John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message on
my front with one of his magnets.
9.
Hello,
this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done... [Ca-chunk!]
10.
Hello,
this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if
you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.
11.
Hello.
You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still
with me, leave your name and number and they will get back
to you.
12.
Thank
you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push
1 on your touchtone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn,
push 2 on your touchtone phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touchtone phone now. All of this button pushing
doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
13.
[Very fast] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait
for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press
6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and
just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice,
spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
14.
This
is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call.
15.
[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...
16.
Hello,
epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your
name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and
have a nice day.
17.
Hello,
this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your
name and number, I'll be right with you.
18.
Greetings,
you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.
19.
Hello.
I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave
a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
20.
I
can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate
it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling
me something about myself. Thanks.
21.
I
can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash
you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of
the Treasury, please ignore this message.
22.
Hi.
I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
23.
Hi
there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...
24.
Bob
here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with
I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
25.
This
is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name
and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message
will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the
attention of the FBI.
26.
You
have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal
and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule
of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you.
27.
Hello,
this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to
call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave
your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that
one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
28.
[Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and
I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
29.
Hi,
this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I
call you back.
30.
Hello,
this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer
and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me
to tell me?
31.
We're
sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate
your phone 90 degrees and try again.
32.
You're
growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number,
and a message.
33.
As
the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...
The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear
a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...
You hear a beep...
34.
I
don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message,
name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
35.
I'm
only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here
in person.
36.
I
don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe
it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way
to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I
will call you back.
37.
I'm
not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please
leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today,
and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me
in person.
38.
[Lots of phone pick-up
noise] Hi,
I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering
machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh,
I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the
way, where did you say you live?
39.
If
you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise,
we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
40.
I'm
writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to
tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.
41.
[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner.
Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!
Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him,
he'll call you back.
42.
Tim's
dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections
and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time,
so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle
occurs.
43.
[Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to
uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and
noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
44.
Hello,
this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday
was the last day of the previous period of your life. After
the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
informative message. Thanks.
45.
I
can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I
bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...
Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we
can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my
beep for you.
46.
Starship
Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain,
there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven,
do you want it on screen?
47.
[Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier.
[Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering
machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name
and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly inform
you to wait for the tone.
48.
Hello,
you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the
sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and
obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
49.
[Darth Vader voice] Speak, worm!
50.
Alpha
Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the
phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some
dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your
name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
51.
A
bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line
to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message
you leave will be broadcast into the future.
52.
You
have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents
are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot
come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number
can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly
contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into
the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
53.
Steve
has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number,
and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he
gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
54.
Hello,
this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right
now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and
I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up
the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make
Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message
at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
particles have been restored to their normal charges.
55.
I'm
gone.
56.
You
have reached 555-6238. Why?
57.
This
is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.
58.
You
have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This
is the nineties. You know what to do.
59.
You
have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.
60.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
[Use to keep people from calling at odd
hours to hear your latest exciting message.]
61.
[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't you ever wonder
what life would be like? ...
62.
So
long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message,
and I'll get back to thee.
63.
This
is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the
Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You
can leave a message though.
64.
Hi.
Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there
were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down
on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
65.
Bullwinkle
Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch
me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of
vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must
have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you
to REALLY leave your message.
66.
These
words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to
keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at
the beep.
67.
Now
I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I
die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
68.
Thank
you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the
phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen.
After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe
we'll get back to you!
69.
C'mon...you
can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like
this—beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There
you go!
70.
Kemosabe
no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
71.
[Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm sorry, Dave,
I can't do that.
72.
Thanks
for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right
now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes
to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn.
I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
73.
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...
leave me a message.... leave me a message... etc.
74.
Next
on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak,
his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
75.
This
is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.
76.
No!
NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please!
Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
77.
This
is the National Security Emergency Password Notification
Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with
today's password. Today's password is "baby booties."
78.
Prepare
for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05. Counting down
to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
79.
After
the tone, leave your name, number, and the location where
you hid the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe
for you.
80.
The
President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish
to invade, and the secret password.
81.
Don't
you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't
you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
82.
This
is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After
the tone, sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna
e Mobile."
83.
I
can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN
come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW,
recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like,
when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This
is so confusing.
84.
How
do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this...YOW!!
85.
This
is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase.
86.
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave
a message, and I'll get back to you.
87.
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage—my
shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed
to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....
88.
Bwana
fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana
'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.